Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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