I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
