Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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