He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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