My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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