We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
