I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
