You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
