It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
