I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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