He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
