It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
