Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
