I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As shirtless as possible
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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