Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
