he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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