12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
