the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
