I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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