I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
