I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
