Moan for me like Helen Keller
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
