this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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