WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
