Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
