I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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