yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
