I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
