Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
