i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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