the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
me + whiskey = a bad person
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
