OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
