FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have feelings that need drinking.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
