Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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