I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
