I'm so fucking centered right now
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
