Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it hurts more in the daytime
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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