On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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