If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
