My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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