dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
