If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
