but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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