i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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