My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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