Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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