I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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