Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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