Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
