Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
