sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's never too late to be topless.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
