when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
