Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Found the puke drawer
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
