You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
