I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
