i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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