Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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