If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you win again, gameday.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
