yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
